Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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