We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
