hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
