Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
