I wannas sexs uuuuu
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
