If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
