I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
