Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
