I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
