oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
