I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
