I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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