I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
