I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
