I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
