mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
