I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
