Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
