Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
