i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
