i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my liver is dry heaving
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
