i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
