he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I lost the right to judge tonight
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
