Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
