Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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