Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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