I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
