if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
