Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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