booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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