sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
