She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
