mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize