Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
