just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
