Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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