no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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