Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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