you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize