Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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