mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
