My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
