i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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