omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
