They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
