And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
