she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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