The maid of honor just puked.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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