wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize