I'm so fucking centered right now
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
