I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
