I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
