Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
