i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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