paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
