Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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