Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
