Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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