Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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