Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
