rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
