Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
