Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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