You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
