sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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