wanna go halves on a baby?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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