she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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