Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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