we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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