my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
